Controlled Demolition

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I've been in a rotten mood lately. The hours that run past me are dull, and my idle hands itch for a purpose. But what is the form of true purpose? Surely it's something you must find for yourself? But this goddamn world is adamant in dictating my every action. IT yells in my ears that my purpose is to find a job, to buy things, to close myself into a little box and raise a little box family. IT corrodes my imagination with materialistic responsibility.

All I want is to be free. Free to find my own purpose.

Freedom is a fading ghost in today's society.

We live in a place where the desire to own things outweighs the desire to build lasting emotional relationships. Eventually you regard other people as possessions, and love becomes nothing more than a charade played by two spoiled children. These spoiled kids chain each other down with restrictions and regulations. And what is love without freedom? A selfish monster? A disgusting collar? A silencing glare?

Love was never meant to be used as means of enslavement.

I don't want to be part of this vicious cycle. It's an equation for unhappiness.

Funny that I find myself writing about love. It's dawned on me that my rotten mood stems for the oldest of killers... loneliness. Loneliness is a poison that corrodes the will. And it is making a fool out of me. My defense mechanism for sadness is anger. I can't deal with being sad, it frightens me. And guess that if you connect all the dots I'm really just afraid of being alone. With solitude in mind I've found myself missing you. I'm not homesick I'm peoplesick. (I'm also a weirdo)

The Panic

When we are

I am happy

In those moments shared with you

You are peace

And when the moment is over

I am hunger

When I look in your eyes,

I find a lovely sort of wonder.

The secrets your soul shares with a glance...

Thrilling.

When I hear your voice

It carries wisdom and melody

And when you laugh,

Joy finds its meaning.

When we are close

Eternity is in your touch

My goddess of bliss.

And now a panic settles in my heart

For eternity shouldn't have an end.

This is all very nice.

I got to hang out with my 2ndLP today. It's always a refreshing experience. Honestly, there is no one quite like her in terms of sheer emotional comfort. There is so much warmth emanating from her presence it's all very surreal. Though the best part of all this is the laughter, you see, I haven't laughed this much in ages! There is always a time constraint though T_T DAMN YOU JUPITER!
Waking up was a bitch but I dragged myself out of bed, and somehow showered and got dressed without passing out. I called her around 8 a.m., and when she picked up she sounded like she was dying. Every single time she picks up the phone ,either late at night or early in the morn, she freaking flippin sounds like she's in pain!
me: "Hello?"
2ndLP: "UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHIKQLKJF; NVJWVNWOEVWU"
me: "..."
2ndLP: "WUT DURRR"
me: "are you ok?"
etc. etc.
After holding a 3 minute conversation with Chewbacca and getting some garbled green light i was off! The ensuing trek is a dream. I do not reccomend ever falling asleep on the metro. My brain keeps track of time ,while i'm drooling all over the railings, so when my stop is coming up, a sort of internal alarm goes off, and i jolt right awake. Now when i say jolt i do mean jolt! my body is propelled out of its seat... this makes for very awkward situations if the metro is very full, hahahah.
So after I got her to make breakfast- a nice plate of Eggs and Bacon with tea- we spent the rest of our time watching the Food network. There is so much to make fun off in these shows. Maybe all those images of food triggers the release of some endorphins. We were trapped by Nick jr.'s Yo GabbaGabba , which is a regular kids show on LSD, for about thirty minutes. And i swear every time that show comes on, somewhere in the world, a child has a seizure.

It was a very nice day that was too short for my tastes. I will be missing you terribly! Stop worrying so much and keep your smile healthy ^_^

Lately the weather has been cooling and the chains that the summer heat puts on my psyche have been lifting. My mind is finally waking up! Time to go take care of my scalp.


- There is no sense but what moments we share. There is no truth but your eyes.